What does childhood trauma look like?Â
Trauma is a bruise hidden under long sleeves. It is a brown paper lunch bag with nothing inside. It lives behind the eyes of the withdrawn child who rarely speaks. A missing coat or no shoes on a wintry day can be a telltale indication. There are many detectable signs of childhood trauma. But there is one particular type that is largely unrecognizable. Because it has no obvious physical markers, childhood emotional neglect has been slow to receive the attention it deserves.
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In a respectable house in a suburban neighborhood, there is lush grass where a cat excitedly chases a grasshopper. There is a mother inside fixing dinner, and a dad who is away at work. Their clean, nicely dressed children often go outside to play with the neighborhood kids or to ride their bikes. The sun shines brightly and the spring flowers are beginning to bloom.
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This is not the opening scene of a Disney movie, or the beginning of a colorfully illustrated picture book. This is the unlikely setting for this often overlooked form of childhood trauma. Yet it is there, camouflaged by a picture perfect venue.
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This was my house.
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In its stealthy form, emotional neglect can be difficult to validate but easy to deny. Meanwhile, the acute and lasting effects fly quietly under the radar where they fester and multiply.
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What constitutes emotional neglect?                             Â
While it’s effects have only been widely discussed in more recent years, emotional neglect occurs when a child does not receive the emotional or psychological support needed to develop a healthy sense of self. Their emotional needs are deemed invalid, and their need for affection and support is dismissed.
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Affected children carry the ramifications into adulthood, where compromised self-esteem and lack of trust lead to instability in all varieties of interpersonal relationships. They tend toward people pleasing in an effort to prove their worth and often suppress emotions to avoid the discomfort associated with them. They may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to manage their pain and are often withdrawn or introverted. Anxiety and depression are also common outcomes.
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Emotional neglect can be unintentional, but can also be the result of a toxic environment. When this is the case, the behavior is blatant and there is little to no accountability by the offender.
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From a place of knowing
Reconciling with the reality
Many memories have resurfaced for me in recent years. While not always pleasant, the benefit is that they have enabled me to piece together a rational explanation for the extreme anxiety and compulsive behaviors that began in childhood and still plague me today. It also accounts for the depression that has come to play in adulthood. Finally, a logical explanation for all the years of wondering what was wrong with me. I now understand the workings of childhood emotional trauma and its role in my past.
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As for my dad’s role in this developmental phase of my childhood, he did nothing to protect us from my mom’s contemptuous attacks. In this way, he was an inauspicious accomplice. I have come to realize that not only did his behaviors enable hers, but that his more engaging and seemingly loving behaviors were not so much to compensate for my mother’s shortcomings, as they were a form of guilty retribution for his own disgraceful misdeeds.
Acceptance and repair
There was no falling out or deliberate finale to pinpoint the end of my relationship with my parents. They simply stopped reaching out. And, as it turns out, it facilitated the clean break that I desperately needed.
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In the many years since I last spoke to my parents, my husband battled stage 4 non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, I gave birth to my third child, and we experienced the devastating losses of my beloved mother-in-law and my grandmother. We celebrated countless birthdays and graduations. My parents never acknowledged any of these noteworthy events and milestones, in spite of their awareness through the family grape vine. They do not know their grandchildren and have never expressed any interest in getting to know them. (I would never refuse them that opportunity as long as my children were willing.)
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While I find this extremely sad, I am at peace with the state of things. I have been relieved of the heartbreak and pain that was always present just by allowing the relationship to persist. While I am still recovering from all it’s adverse effects, I have every reason to revel in my progress and celebrate the life I have created for myself.
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As an adult, you are finally able to absolve yourself of the offending circumstances, an option that is sadly not available to you as a child. You are no longer obliged to tolerate that which makes you insignificant. You can take the valuable lessons you have learned and build a beautiful life that is a shining representation of your incredible worth.
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For the record, I attended my oldest son’s college graduation and could not have been more proud to be there to honor his achievements. It was one of my proudest parenting moments. And I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
Hey, thanks! I had a terrible childhood. My mother is very selfish and a liar. I feel like narcissist is an overused word, however it may apply to her. She would also use my father as her enforcer. I never really had an understanding of who I was until my late 30s. I do still struggle and even though I’m married and happy most days, it can still be lonely. Thanks for opening up.
Thanks for your message, Steve. I’m sorry that you also had to experience a painful childhood. I completely relate to your comment about loneliness despite being surrounded by loved ones. I’m glad you’ve been able to work on yourself and finding out who you are when not defined by your past. I am working on the same, and while it is a long process, I do feel that there is consistent progress and that makes it worth continuing. Thanks so much for sharing, and I’m glad the post resonated with you and reminded you that you are NOT alone.