Degrees of independence.
Independence is generally viewed as a positive quality. Being independent is a goal most of us strive for and take pride in once achieved. We try to instill independence in our children so they are set up for success when we send them out into the world. But can varying degrees of independence affect our well-being?
Individuals who lack independence may appear needy or incapable. Resourcefulness may be in short supply and thoughts may be dominated by fear. There may be a reluctance to embrace new experiences and there is resistance to being alone.
If insufficient independence is considered less than desirable, what about those who could be described as hyper-independent? Is it possible to be too independent? Is there a degree of independence that is unhealthy?
The role of trauma in establishing independence.
For children who have experienced some form of trauma, whether abuse or neglect, a lack of trust is a classic symptom. This leads the child to believe she must care for herself because no one else will. The child learns to meet her own needs and becomes highly independent as a means to survive.
This type of independence that originates out of necessity rather than a strong sense of self-worth does not exactly align with what is considered healthy. It may come with some of the beneficial aspects of traditional independence, but these tend to be overshadowed by the more extreme facets that develop from a need to self-protect.
Living hyper-independently.
There is little doubt that I fall somewhere on the spectrum of the unhealthy independent. I am very much an “I can do it myself” kind of person. Asking for help is generally a foreign concept to me. If there’s something I don’t understand or don’t know how to do, be assured that I will lose hours of my life drowning in research until I am well educated.
This is not always a bad thing. I have learned to do things I never would have thought I was capable of doing. Need your dishwasher or disposal fixed? Hit me up. I can build out a closet, hang light fixtures or doors, and replace flooring with the best of them.
It has also served me well in my professional life. There is not a challenge I will shy away from. I will find a solution, change-up the process or come up with a new approach altogether. I will not rest until I get the job done.
The repercussions.
There are, of course, downsides to an overactive need for independence.
For me personally, these include wasting time insisting I can do something myself instead of asking for help, the need to take over when someone isn’t doing a particular task right/fast enough/to my standards, and the utter disappointment in myself when I can’t get a perfect result.
Oh, and the obsessiveness. Just ask my husband.
Rather than recognizing when it makes sense to ask for help, I view it as a character flaw if I choose to do so. As for coming right out and seeking emotional support? I am marginally better than I was in the past, but my default response is that I’d rather be trapped in a room full of spiders.
Worse still, I tend to feel most comfortable when I’m alone. This is when I feel most secure and safe. But this variety of “independence” is a slippery slope into withdrawal, isolation and pushing away the genuine, trustworthy people in my life. It’s certainly not ideal. And it is a constant battle for me.
Finding balance in the varying degrees of independence.
I am well aware that my overly-independent nature is a result of the trauma I experienced. Being aware of the link between them has enabled me to take steps toward unlearning false beliefs and re-learning how to trust. It’s a slow process and it’s very easy to fall back into old insecurities and ways of thinking.
Through years of talk therapy and now, with the help of somatic therapy, I am learning that I need to find safety within myself first. Once this is established, then I can work toward feeling safe with and trusting others. I’m getting there!
In the meantime, I’ll hold on to the badass parts of my independent self (broken toilet, anyone?) while I broaden my acceptance of the value in needing others and asking for help.
I’m making strides toward letting people in who are genuinely there for me for all the right reasons, while humbly asking for their continued patience as I slowly adapt to this mindset.
We all need to be thrown a life raft sometimes. And there’s no shame in that.
Resources for further reading: Hyper-Independence and Trauma: What’s the Connection?
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