Support for Trauma Healing

Navigating uncharted waters

No one wants to see their loved ones suffer. When those who experienced childhood trauma begin their healing journey, we want nothing more than to ease their pain as they make their way through the process. While healing from trauma is no walk in the park, executing the best approach for supporting those in need can also be an arduous task.

Without the ability to relate to the trauma survivor’s circumstances, you’ll find yourself navigating unfamiliar territory without a compass. The last thing we want to do is pile on to an already volatile situation. But we can proceed with confidence if we are armed with specific guidelines for providing meaningful support.

Starting points to consider

Before extending your supportive hand, there a few points worth keeping in mind.

First, while support for survivors is essential, they are not looking to be fixed. By making the decision to heal, they are committing to working on themselves – work that no one can do for them. You may be eager for them to get ‘better’, but there is no instant gratification when it comes to healing from trauma. It is a slow and often difficult process that requires the patience of the survivor and their loved ones.

Secondly, be genuine in your supportive gestures. Most of us have received assurances of “I’m always here for you” during trying times. But these words are often just that – words. The reality is that only a select few will actually show up when the need arises. Those who fade away at our most critical time of need are the people with whom we share codependent relationships. When those we trust fail to comply with promises of support, the survivor’s fear of abandonment is validated, as are the disparaging thoughts they have about themselves.

Effective methods for providing support to trauma survivors

With all that said, here are some ways to effectively support those working to heal from trauma:

1. Ask them what they need

Seems pretty straightforward, right? Not as much as you would think. Those who have experienced trauma often have difficulty expressing their needs or have been conditioned to believe their needs don’t matter.

By directly asking them to express their needs, you are serving a dual purpose. First, you are letting them know that their needs do, in fact, matter. Secondly, you are providing them with an opportunity to not only identify their needs, but to learn to be comfortable expressing them. By being attentive to their requests, you are reinforcing that you care about their needs.

2. Listen

Let them talk. Give them your undivided attention. Make note of what they need and follow through. If they just want to talk, give them your empathetic ear. Like anyone else, sometimes they just need to unload all their thoughts without needing answers, solutions or commentary.

3. Don’t minimize, belittle or judge the survivor or their story

This should go without saying, but let’s address it just to be sure. In case it’s not clear, doing any of these things is the opposite of being supportive.

A survivor’s story is their truth. It is non-negotiable. The fact is, you were not there and can’t know what their experience was like.

4. Only give advice when asked for it

Chances are, if the trauma survivor is already working through the healing process, they are meeting with a therapist, may have joined a support group or are reading books related to their particular circumstances. It is unlikely that you can offer advice that they haven’t already received.

Additionally, advice may be interpreted as criticism or judgment about what they are or are not doing to heal. A survivor can be very well aware of what they should be doing, but when it takes all they have just to get dressed each day, it’s not always possible to take on any additional tasks in that moment, even if they are likely to be helpful.

5. Don’t put a timeline on healing

Healing is a very slow, non-linear process. Pressuring the survivor to ‘hurry up and heal’ is counterproductive and harmful. Allow them to take all the time they need while celebrating their milestones and victories along the way.

6. Accept that you may never understand

You may never be able to relate to, know details about or understand their story. But your ability to offer unconditional support is not reliant upon this. Ask for clarity when it’s appropriate to do so, but in general, be okay with not having all the answers. There’s also a very good chance that they don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle anyway. None of this should prevent you from showing up in the best way possible.

7. Educate yourself

Your ability to connect with and support your loved ones can be dramatically improved by familiarizing yourself with their journey. This includes studying the types of trauma they experienced, potential after-effects on mind and body, and the methods of treatment they are undergoing. The intent of standard talk therapy might seem obvious but there are abundant, new modes of treatment currently available that go far beyond the traditional options.

This is not only an effective way to support your loved one, but will also help you to make sense of their behaviors, decisions, and actions that may otherwise seem complicated and confusing.

8. Take care of your own mental health

Supporting someone through their trauma journey can be painful, discouraging and draining. Make sure to address your own needs and practice self care. You may require support as well, and that is understandable.Take time and space when you need it. Don’t compromise your own well-being in the name of saving someone else’s.

There is nothing more loving you can do for someone who has experienced trauma than offer your support. Whether you are a trauma survivor yourself or just want to help someone who is in the throes of the healing process, unconditional support goes a long way toward advancing well-being. It also reminds us that we are not alone. Offering that level of reassurance can only result in positive gains all around.