The tendency toward codependency
Choosing the right people to surround yourself with can be challenging for anyone. We all have a list of desirable traits we hope to find in our companions. Someone who is outgoing, funny, loyal, supportive, trustworthy and like-minded would presumably fit the bill. But for some, particularly those who experienced childhood trauma, creating a perfectly compatible alliance is challenging at best. The probability of codependency in their adult relationships is alarmingly high.
The desired criteria for forming new bonds is no different for those who experienced childhood trauma. But the ability to discern the authenticity of these sought-after traits may be compromised. When the relationships with the people we should be able to depend on most are fractured, it can significantly impact our ability to make wise choices when building new relationships. We are much more likely to continue to form codependent bonds as a result of our trauma .
Without conscious awareness, we have a tendency to bond with people who are similar to those we shared trauma bonds with in the past. While we have no interest in perpetuating our traumatic past, it is human nature to gravitate toward that which is comfortable. Unfortunately, ‘comfortable’ in this case does not equate to safe, healthy or prudent. It simply represents the only thing we know, for better or worse.
Codependency in our adult relationships
I should be the poster child for how to form unhealthy relationships. That is not to say that all of my adult relationships have been unstable. Somehow, between unconscious attempts to recreate trauma bonds, I managed to surround myself with some incredibly genuine people. But they are the rare exceptions.
Having pieced the puzzle together after many years of therapy, and with the benefit of hindsight, I realized that the majority of my adult relationships have been codependent. The repetitive pattern consists of accommodation and servitude by me while my needs are consistently unmet. I prioritize peace and conflict-avoidance above all else and maintain them by complying with the needs of others.
Codependent Oblivion
A couple of my mismatched pairings went on for over fifteen years. I was convinced that I was happy in these inequitable match-ups. At the time, I was skillfully shoving down and ignoring my known trauma while the trauma I was not yet aware of was still buried deep. On the surface, I was cool, composed, and had it all figured out. These particular friends were somewhat vulnerable and fragile, so I was able to swoop in, take them under my wing, and give them the care and attention they craved.
This worked for a very long time. I developed deep connections and felt love and loyalty toward them. Making them happy made me happy, and there was never a time that I wouldn’t drop everything to be by their side or hold their hand while they cried. Because I was in a good place for the most part, I didn’t need anything from them other than their time and presence. We were inseparable.
Cracks in the relationship foundation
We shared endless laughs and inside jokes over the years and knew everything there was to know about each other. And then, for the first time in my life, my trauma became a factor. It gradually overtook me until the depression set in fully and I became a figment of the person I had always been – the only person I knew how to be. My world got very dark, and I couldn’t dig myself out of the hole I was in. I was not a fun person to be around anymore.
My marriage began to suffer as I set out to sabotage it subconsciously – a dangerous trauma response. But I was certain that my friends would always be there to lift me up, hold MY hand this time, and help me through. Initially it appeared as though this would be the case. But their patience quickly began to wear thin, and they didn’t know how to handle this wounded version of me. They began to make comments about how they missed “the old Jenny”, basically insinuating that it was time for me to ‘get over it’ and move on. As if I didn’t desperately want that too.
The calls, texts and time spent together became much less frequent. I found them making various excuses to avoid seeing me and instead, spending more time with each other. When we did talk, the conversations felt superficial and forced. They were snappy and irritable towards me. During one particular conversation I was told “You know, you’re not the only person to go through this.” As if somehow what I was experiencing had no validity because it wasn’t unique to me. I continued to overlook their dismissive behavior and made excuses for them. But eventually, I couldn’t help but acknowledge how much it hurt.
.
Broken Bonds
After a brief meet-up, and at the height of my suicidal leanings, it was made clear to me that they had no interest in continuing their relationships with me. They proceeded to fully remove me from their lives by blocking my phone number and all social media accounts.
I was gutted. It piled on to my already precarious stability. It took a month of in-patient treatment and considerable healing work for me to arrive at some very hard truths.
I came to realize that the success of these relationships was dependent on me being in a position to fully cater to their needs. It was only when I began to recognize that I had needs of my own and called attention to them that things began to unravel. I had rarely needed anything from these friends emotionally. To that point, the extent of my requests for support consisted of brief and very occasional pick-me-up conversations and metaphorical pats on the head before they would send me on my way after a bad day. But suddenly I needed more.
Hard Lessons in Codependency
There have been at least a handful of other relationships I had that also crashed and burned over the years. Some I considered to be my most treasured connections. Each one came to a head and ultimately failed when I dared to express my needs or share any discomfort I was feeling within the relationship.
When I received unfavorable – even hostile – responses to my admissions, I reacted by withdrawing completely. The similarities to my relationship with my mother glared as brightly as a neon sign. Because of my past experiences, I could only conclude that complete rejection was inevitable. And so I beat them to the punch.
I had created relationship frameworks that didn’t include consideration for my needs. Any expectation that these needs would be addressed was not factored into the well established narrative. My ingrained, childhood belief that my wants and needs had no merit was reinforced again and again.
Unlearning old patterns and making way for the new
Being taught that my needs didn’t matter led to a compromised identity. I am still trying to connect with my authentic self and identify what my needs actually are. More often than not, they are unclear to me. I am working on accepting that my needs have as much merit as anybody else’s and am learning to not be afraid to express them as they surface.
What I have unquestionably gained is clarity. I know who my people are. They are the ones who have not only stuck around for my worst moments, but have held my hands and cheered me on. And they are still around as I continue to heal, even when I slip back into darkness for a short while. This also confirms for me that codepency in my adult relationships does not have to be a matter of course.
I am guarded in forging new relationships and my trust is fragile, but I’m not done trying. I know when to be cautious so as not to lose myself. My confidence is building and as it grows, the impact of past relationships is gradually retreating. It is possible to recover from codependency and move forward on a new path. And I know that on this path I will find my intended crowd waiting for me.
I am so proud of you, for all of your blogs but for this one in particular. I can only imagine the difficulty and heartbreak in these realizations. While I know that some were years ago and some more recent, I don’t imagine it lessons the pain. I am here for you always. Dark or light. I love you.
Thank you! Coming from one of my ‘people’ this means the world! Love you! ❤️